Tough Love

By definition: promotion of a person’s welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions.”- Oxford Dictionary

Does it work ? “Opponents of tough love parenting call it “bullying parenting.” Studies have shown that children who grow up in households with an authoritarian parenting style in place, often struggle with self esteem, and aggression, and are less mature than their peers…”-ectutoring.com. 8/20/13. ….”You can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.”-psychologytoday.com. 7/5/20.

When a person is told: “You need to snap out of it,” or “you need to just get over it,” you’re minimalizing the problems of the mentally distressed person, and make this person feel like a project that needs “fixing.”- anxiouslass.com. 9/28/19. Pushing a mentally distressed person too hard can actually send them backwards…accept what they’re going through, show some human compassion and let them know that they can talk to you about anything, if needed. They might not be ready to talk, but just letting them know that you will be there for them if and when needed, means so much to a troubled person.- anxiousless.com. 9/28/19. It also shows a troubled person, your change of attitude towards them. That they hopefully won’t have to deal with the dismissive, manipulating statements, about what they should do or stop doing, that do more harm than good.

As far as using tough love on an addicted person: i.e.: withholding assistance when a person is using a substance; demanding that the person enter a treatment program; kicking someone out of their home if they refuse to go to rehab; not answering calls or texts; refusing to pick someone up if they need a ride home, because they are intoxicated or high.”…..”While such actions may be rooted in a desire to help the person, they are likely to backfire and contribute to further problems.”…”While tough love may appear to be effective in the short term, it can actually worsen the condition and lead to dangerous relapses later on.”- verywellmind.com. 4/6/22. “Tough love has been identified as a dangerous technique in handling teens or adults struggling with addictions…”-verywellmind.com. 4/6/22.

Setting “healthy boundaries are often a more effective and sustainable solution. Your boundaries are the limits you are willing to accept…” examples include: •Not allowing drugs or alcohol in your home. •Not giving the person money to pay for drugs or alcohol. – verywellmind.com. 4/6/22. But even with this approach, there’s no guarantee that it will help an addicted person. The addict can easily do drugs at a friends house; can obtain the drugs for free or pay for them with sex favors.

Conclusion: Tough love doesn’t work. If you remove the tough, and just give love, would be a better alternative. Love is defined as: “an intense feeling of deep affection.”- oxford dictionary. But we all know that love is so much more than this. That there’s different kinds of love. There’s conditional and unconditional love. Tough love, setting “healthy boundaries,” fall into the conditional love category.

Unconditional love is given without any strings attached. You love a person in good times, bad times, hard times; times when a person screws up… you have the ability to be understanding, to listen, to comfort, to be patient…which has nothing to do with enabling. That the person knows without a doubt, that you are there for them under any and all circumstances, and you are trying to make this person, a better person; the person that they were meant to be. All this person needs is that one person who truly loves and cares, if you live or die. It could be a parent, friend, etc. It’s at this point you really find out who your real friends are. You can’t expect immediate results; this is a process of baby steps. When a person takes those steps and sees, feels, self improvement, it just serves as positive reinforcement that potentially leads to more self-improvement. A person starts feeling better about themselves and can see the light through the clouds. Self esteem improves; a more positive, logical way of dealing with potential setbacks improves; which creates a sense of self determination; that whatever happens, one can now say: “I now have the power to control my own destiny.” / Done