When people yell, “the feeling conveyed in our voice makes more impact and is remembered longer than the words actually spoken.”… “Yelling…is used to control the situation and dominate another person.”- psychcentral.com. 9/29/15.
Being human, we sometimes get stressed. “Unfortunately, we sometimes take that stress out on people around us.”…-lindsaylapaquette.com. The person yelling can realize they were wrong and can apologize (which in itself, is not an easy task, for many), and theoretically move forward…the problem becomes real when there is a sustained pattern of yelling and becomes a persons “normal” way of communicating…especially when the yeller doesn’t even realize how rude, disrespectful, not normal, they are; or they “simply feel entitled to speak to others in this way.”-lindsaylapaquette.com. The person being yelled at, is bombarded with feelings and emotions, is sometimes stunned, and doesn’t know exactly how to respond. Yelling back doesn’t accomplish anything and can just lead to a worsening of the situation.
A logical, calm, reasonable response would be: “I don’t appreciate being yelled at; it’s disrespectful and at the same time, I’m losing respect for you; and there will be consequences for your behavior if this continues.” Warning the yeller that there will be consequences, is extremely important. Dates, times, what was said/ yelled; that you issued a warning, should be written down and kept as evidence. Unfortunately, too many people don’t know how to respond without letting their own emotions getting the best of them; or they are afraid to do anything that will lead to further yelling. Avoidance behavior. If such is the case, walking away and giving that person the silent treatment will force the yeller to re-examine their behavior. Because they now know they might be on the verge of losing any relationship with the person they just abused.
“Living with verbal abuse from a parent, spouse or loved one, can change how you feel and think about yourself. Verbal abuse uses psychological force to cause emotional pain.”… “Severe verbal abuse discipline is associated with conduct problems in children and adolescents.”…the effects of yelling include increased stress, anxiety and depression….it usually leads to physical aggression, delinquency, interpersonal problems.”-verywellhealth.com. 9/6/22. Not to mention also the adolescents who look to escape the toxic houses in which they are trapped, become friends with other toxic people in similar situations, turn to drugs to numb the mental pain, torture, anger that they feel towards their parents, etc.
Parents, who are the ones children rely upon to protect them, be there for them, in good times and bad, also have the ability to make the child feel lower than dirt, thus affecting the way the child sees themselves; without little or no self-esteem.
“The problem with verbal abuse/ yelling, is, there is no evidence…when people are physically or sexually abused, it’s concrete and real.”…. One female victim of verbal abuse states: “No one can see my scars.” She knew her depression, anxiety and deep seated insecurity were wounds that stemmed from the verbal abuse she endured as a child. She stated: “I wish I was beaten…I’d feel more legitimate.”… “The brain wires according to our experiences…we literally hear our parents voices yelling at us in our heads even when they’re not there.”-nami.org. 2/7/18.
After years of therapy, this particular woman gave herself compassion and spent time with her feelings…”I took a walk in the park and looked at nature. I felt better.”…”Proud of the way she could now self-soothe, she said: “What a wonderful mother I was to myself.”- nami.org. 2/7/18.
Conclusion: For anyone’s verbal abuse/ yelling towards a child, adolescent, adult, on a continual basis, there needs to be consequences for the abusers actions. It’s extremely difficult for a child, adolescent, who completely relied upon a parent, for example, for love, protection, etc., now becomes an abuser. The unconditional love that previously existed, is now replaced with conditional love and creating a child who will now suffer from various mental disorders, possibly for the rest of their lives. “Yelling at kids is a common occurrence…74 % of parents admitted to yelling or screaming at their child.”- learningliftoff.com. …with that number probably being higher because of the parents who are ashamed to actually admit to it.
When the verbal abuse/ yelling, get out of hand, who does a child have to turn to, to alleviate the situation? Usually no one. Children should be taught IN SCHOOLS, that any kind of abuse, verbal, physical, sexual, etc., a child has the right to call the police and file a report; or call child protective services themselves. Obviously, this disturbs the dynamics of a family, but no child should have zero options for protecting themselves, physically, mentally, emotionally. Why is the answer, by society, to give the abused, therapy, when the originator of the problem, the abuser, hardly ever has to deal with the consequences of their abuse. Society as a whole, looks the other way.
I do not believe schools, teachers, school psychologists, etc., care to, want to, feel it’s their job, to get involved in the internal dynamics of any family. I do not believe the abuser will submit to family counseling voluntarily, unless forced by a court order.
What happens behind closed doors, is often never found out by other people. The Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act of 1974, established the federal office on child abuse and neglect. “It also provides grants to States for child abuse and neglect programs…”…”According to the Children’s Advocacy Institute’s study, over a 3 year period, no State met the federal child welfare standards…The Department of Health and Human Services, which is responsible for enforcing these rules, has largely taken a hands-off approach. “There is no meaningful oversight and the States know it, the report finds.”…”The report estimates that at least 686,000 American children were the victims of abuse or neglect in 2012, including 1,640 who were killed as a result.” -findlaw.com. 1/30/15. Thus, the answer to this problem doesn’t lay with our federal or state governments.
As previously stated, it’s up to the child unfortunately, to look out and protect themselves. Instead of the feds granting states monies for a failed program of protecting children, these monies should be re-allocated directly to children, to be allowed to hire their own attorney’s, and pursue, if so desired, cases against their own parent(s). Even if it’s just one person doing the abusing, the other parent can be viewed as an accomplice by doing nothing. Children can also choose, if so desired, to legally “divorce” from their family and be adopted by another family familiar to the child.
There is too much of nothing done, as a whole, to protect our children from abusive homes. “Research shows adverse childhood experiences, such as emotional abuse, is a factor for 50-66 % of serious problems with drug use.”- pacesconnection.com. 7/10/20.
And so we ask ourselves, why do so many of our children turn to drugs ? More than half the time, it’s a direct result of the child being abused, one way or another, within their own homes. / Done
